Dutch Harbor report

From the local police blotter:

Assistance rendered, April 15 — Officers responded to a residence to assist a very intoxicated individual in removing an unknown and unwanted guest. The complainant pointed to an individual on the floor, stating, "I don't know that dude and he has to go." The dude was none other than a drunken female whom the complainant has known for most of his life. The complainant refused to believe that the "dude" was not a "dude." Officers eventually convinced him of the identity of the "dudette" and all was again well in his world.

Suspicious person, April 16 — Case opened concerning a person who has been creating high levels of concern at several locations in town.

Welfare check, April 18, 0600 hours — The captain of a docked vessel reported a missing crewmember. The crewmember was last seen on the back deck smoking a cigarette. After an exhaustive search of the area around the dock and shoreline, the errant crewmember arrived back at the boat after a night of liberal libation.

Roads, April 18 — Caller reported a large boulder obstructing traffic. An officer responded and with herculean effort pushed the boulder out of the roadway.

Noise disturbance, April 20 — Caller reported neighbors were having a loud party. An officer responded and found the revelers to be reveling to the bebop beat of a fancy new karaoke machine. The partiers were asked to keep the noise to a minimum.

Animal, April 20, 1254 hours — Caller reported a dead eagle. The appropriate agency was advised.

Animal, April 20, 1906 hours — Caller reported a dead eagle. The appropriate agency was advised.