The Dutch Harbor report

From the local police blotter, as reported by the Unalaska Advertiser:

Assistance rendered, March 28 — A hotel patron who had left a significant amount of blood as well as broken furniture in his room the previous night was given an eviction and trespass notice per UniSea management.

Public safety, April 1 — Caller reported people snowshoeing on a lake. An officer subsequently observed the unique winter wonder of men walking on water.

Assault, April 2 — Officers arrested Michael R. Estrada, 44, of California, after Estrada threatened a cook with vulgar language and sandwiches.

Ambulance request, April 3 — Fishing vessel reported they were bringing to the dock a patient with internal injuries.

Ambulance request, April 4, 0019 hours — EMS personnel assisted a man who, after repeated attempts, had managed to punch his head through a sheet of half-inch plywood.

Suspicious activity, April 4, 0023 hours — Officers investigated the events that led up to a man punching his head through a sheet of plywood and were told of sundry unsavory activities, some of which events were in fact fabrications. After sifting through the dross, officers determined that Ryan Martus, 24, of Unalaska, had indeed broken the plywood with his own head in spite of having implicated others, after having engaged in a losing battle with one of his coworkers. Martus was arrested for false report, disorderly conduct and criminal mischief.

Welfare check, April 4, 0030 hours — A man who had recently inflicted injury upon his own head was evaluated for signs of mental aberration.

Harassment, April 5 — Two processors each alleged that the other had vaguely threatened him. An officer determined there was little substance to the complaints and determined that the two grown men were simply unable to get along.

Trespass, April 5 — Per UniSea management, officer issued a trespass advisement to a recently terminated employee.

Trespass, April 6 — UniSea management asked an officer to issue a trespass advisement to a man whose relationships with multiple female employees was somewhat suspect.

Disorderly conduct, April 6 — Officer assisted Westward security with a boor whose continued racial epithets had evolved into threats towards coworkers whose looks were dissimilar to his own. The xenophobic oaf was terminated from his employment.

Suspicious activity, April 6 — Police department received information from another law enforcement agency about a local boat owner allegedly writing bad checks.

Environmental, April 10 — Caller reported an oil spill at the Small Boat Harbor. Information relayed to the U.S. Coast Guard.