Dutch Harbor report, dumb and dumber edition

From the local police blotter:

Animal, Sept. 27 — Caller reported a dead dog in her neighbor's yard. An officer contacted the neighbor who, from his vantage point at a window, was unable to identify the dog. Upon closer inspection of the carcass, the officer found that the dead dog was actually a stuffed animal which had mysteriously found its way out of the neighbor's house and into the yard before expiring. The limp and lifeless plush toy was returned to its owner, whose living dog promptly escaped and ran away.

Assault, Sept. 29 — Officers were called to UniSea Inc. regarding an alleged assault which had taken place in a bunkhouse hallway. Investigation revealed that two drunken sots had accosted another man in a hallway, frightening him into believing that he was about to be injured.

Traffic crime, Oct. 1 — Caller reported a very slow-moving vehicle, apparently operated by a visiting film crew, was impeding traffic. A fire officer advised the driver to be cognizant of their effect on traffic.

Theft, Oct. 4 — Caller reported his rubber raft had been stolen from the small-boat harbor, sometime in the last nine or 10 days. He had already searched for the raft without success. Under investigation.

Traffic crime, Oct. 4 — Driver reported that the driver of a Subaru wagon had driven up a ramp at the batch plant and flown over the top of the ramp, landing on the roadway in front of him and nearly causing a collision. Under investigation.

Theft, Oct. 5 — Caller reported the theft of several thousand dollars worth of copper pipe. Under investigation.

Ambulance request, Oct. 6, 1414 hours — Caller reported a young boy who appeared to need assistance clinging to a raft in Captains Bay.

Assistance rendered, Oct. 6, 1421 hours — Officers responding to a medical emergency learned a young boy wearing waders was knee-deep in water and holding a line attached to his raft while he waited for his dog to return to him. The boy was not in need of any assistance.

Assistance rendered, Oct. 6 — A burly boy standing in front of the Unalaska post office asked an officer how come the post office ain't open no more on Saturdays. The officer read aloud the sign next to the man, which stated that the post office was open on Saturdays.

Assist other agency, Oct. 8 — FBI agent contacted the police department regarding a former resident of Unalaska who was convicted of several murders and was a suspect in several other missing person cases.