The Dutch Harbor report

From the local police blotter, as reported by the Unalaska Advertiser:

Welfare check, June 6, 1759 hours — Officer checked on a man who called police to tell them that his house should go to the Russian Orthodox Church should he expire sometime in the near future. The man was found to be fine, simply in a state of inebriation.

Harassment, June 6, 2235 hours — An intoxicated man, who had called earlier to provide a verbal will and testimony to police, reported that two men were harassing him at a local bar. Bar personnel told police the story was patently untrue.

Suspicious activity, June 9 — An understandably perturbed caller reported an unidentified person had left a dead raven inside his car.

Lost property, June 11 — Caller reported his cell phone was lost or possibly stolen by a heavyset female smoker in pink pajamas. He later called and reported he had found his phone.

Theft, June 11 — Caller reported his dining table and chairs, which he had left on the beach while he was fishing, had been stolen. A witness saw someone carrying the table towards the local cemetery. Under investigation.

Trespass, June 11 — Officer advised two people they were barred from all UniSea property, per UniSea management.

Suspicious activity, June 12 — Officer contacted two inebriates who were attempting to urinate on a pile of fish containers, and advised them that peeing in public was against local ordinance.

Suspicious activity, June 12 — Woman reported two young boys knocking on doors and offering moose antlers for sale. An officer contacted the boys' parents, who were quite surprised as they were unaware they had any antlers to sell.

Burglary, June 12 — Boat crew reported a television and DVD player had been stolen from the galley sometime in the last four hours. An interested party provided some additional information regarding the theft. Under investigation.