Dutch Habor report

From the local police blotter:

Traffic crime, July 18 — Officer stopped a speeding driver and learned that the sober driver, who was taking several drunken crewmembers home, did not have a valid license. Joshua T. Wood, 26, was cited for driving while license suspended.

Theft, July 20 — A woman who saw a pretty green traffic cone and filched it because she was enamored of its bright fluorescent color was contacted by officers and ordered to return the cone to its rightful owner. The victim attempted to placate the thief by offering her an orange traffic cone instead. She refused, though she readily accepted the pretty green cone when he relented and offered to let her keep it.

Theft, July 22 — A pickup which was allegedly stolen during the night was found in the bay near Westward Seafoods, having apparently been driven first into a ditch, then out of the ditch and across the roadway, and finally down an embankment and into the water. Under investigation.

Suspicious person, July 22 — An enraged family man spending the evening on the beach began roundly cursing a young woman who was also enjoying the evening and whose dogs had wandered as close as 150 feet from his wife and child. The woman reported the incident in case the enraged family man gave an encore performance.

Drunk disturbance, July 23 — Bar employee reported a drunken patron had instigated a fight with another customer and had then proclaimed her "Satan" when she ordered him to leave the facility. An officer contacted the inebriate and advised him he would be arrested if he returned to the bar.

Drunk disturbance, July 25, 2131 hours — Officers issued a trespass advisement to a sobbing, intoxicated man who had been asked not to return to the Airport Bar after he began a disconcerting dance inside the restaurant and argued with employees about payouts for scratch cards.

Assistance rendered, July 25 — Airline personnel requested a walk-through at the airport, which was full of inebriates who might well be denied the opportunity to board their flights.

Trespass, July 26, 0012 hours — Officer issued a trespass advisement to a no longer sobbing but still intoxicated man whose obstreperous behavior could not be tolerated at the Grand Aleutian hotel.

Protective custody, July 26, 0128 hours — A now comatose but no longer sobbing inebriate was taken into protective custody after he was found passed out in front of the clinic, where he had tottered for treatment of medical problems which he refused to divulge to medical practitioners.

Suspicious activity, July 26 — Anonymous caller reported a man appeared to be using a long-handled garden implement to beat at a flock of about 20 eagles in his yard. The responding officer found a hoe-wielding homeowner hacking a halibut carcass while three eagles sat on the sidelines.

Suspicious activity, July 26 — Caller reported three men in swim trunks, preparing to jump off the South Channel Bridge. An officer contacted the waterlogged leapers below the bridge and advised them that such activities were inherently dangerous.

Noise disturbance, July 26 — Caller reported hearing a muffled explosive sound from the beach. The responding officer found several teens testing refinements to their potato launcher by lobbing spuds over the ocean.

Suspicious activity, July 27 — A potted plant, pinched five days earlier, was returned after having been uprooted and clearly mistreated. The potted plant pilferer was not identified.

Trespass, July 27 — Officer issued a trespass advisement, per UniSea security, to a sobbing man whose unproductive solicitations for sex the previous night had rendered him unwelcome at any of UniSea’s public facilities.

Trespass, July 27 — A man who had been ordered from the Airport Bar after he declined the opportunity to buy everyone in the bar a drink, was later denied the opportunity to board his outbound flight due to his level of intoxication.

Disorderly conduct, July 27 — UniSea security asked officer to tell a tenant not to feed salmon scraps to resident eagles. An officer did so.

Ambulance request, July 27, 2155 hours — EMS personnel provided care and transport for a patient who was reportedly dying.

Assistance rendered, July 27, 2156 hours — Officer assisted EMS personnel with a patient who had several minor facial injuries.

Welfare check, July 28 — A driver nearly ran over a drunk who had passed out on the roadside near the South Channel Bridge. The drunk, who maintained he was simply admiring the stars, was eventually claimed by his employer and taken to his residence.

Assistance rendered, July 28 — Crewman reported one of his mates had gone missing after having checked out of their hotel this morning, and asked that officers keep an eye out for the man.

Animal, July 28 — Caller reported having been attacked by a bald eagle while standing, fortuitously, just outside the clinic.